I am not sure if this is the right place to talk about my current depression, but I am really breaking down and have lost a lot of motivation.
I am a 30 year-old man. I previously worked at a financial institution in Hong Kong at a risk-related but non-technical capacity. I was very emotionally abused by my last job in Hong Kong which I have left for 5.5 months already. Unlike the US (where I was born), Hong Kong is a city with very bad worker’s rights, employers can pretty much abuse you in whichever way they want. If you find it hard to believe, you can look up the World Economics Forum report for reference… Hong Kong is ranked almost at the bottom for worker’s right while hiring/firing practice being at the top.
Despite having contributed to a quantifiable whopping 40%+ of the workload in an 8 person team in my last job and taking charge of many big change projects delivering a lot of results, I was not given a promotion for two years straight at my job and even had my raise frozen for a year. I wanted to leave the company the year before, but I was threatened by my director that he would give me a bad reference if I do that. In order to manipulate me, my director pretended that he was guilty of threatening me because I was very needed in the company, he lied about giving me a promotion opportunity for the next year (which is this year) which I deserved but never received. After finding out that the director is giving the promotion to the girl he’s been hitting on instead, I quitted with the job with rage in my heart. My whole world was shattered. I thought these were literally drama plots. After learning from ex-colleagues that it is actually quite a common practice for directors to retaliate critical employees with a bad reference check after they have left the company, I was able to secure a good personal reference letter from my senior to offset the harmful remark that I might be given to for my next job’s reference check.
After quitting my job, I took a 2 months break to backpack around Asian countries with my wife and have both decided to hit a reset button, switch career and move back to the US. While in the progress of waiting for my wife’s green card to arrive, I have picked up coding again which I had some experience with back in high school and college.
As a result of the setback, I begin to lose motivation, but I know I can’t because I made a promise to my beloved wife that I will be ready before she receives her green card. I began crying silently at night in the bathroom as I am losing my confidence. I am really afraid of my effort being wasted again like my previous job. I am afraid that even if I finally understand the React-Redux tutorial completely and even the upcoming modules in MERN stack, I probably still won’t be enough to land a dev job. I took the suicide route and peeked at the coding bootcamp graduates’ project online, I ended up feeling like absolute shit compared to them.
I really don’t know how to get through these tough times with a lot of these reality checks. I forgot how success actually taste like. I am having tons of suicide thoughts in my head that I shouldn’t be having. I am really ashamed of myself…
I really need help… sorry for being so negative, but I am really lost…